Lawnmowers on hands and knees in a row. Salesman standing around talking about lawnmower sales: “Lawnmowers, Good Condition, Sale today only. Come and try them.”

Customer 1: (walks in) “Hey I’d like to buy a lawnmower. Can I try one?”

Salesman: “Sure give this one a pull.” Takes customer to a lawnmower.

Customer 1: Pulls imaginary cord on mower. Lawnmower starts up (Scout makes noise and moves off stage with Customer 1 pushing). Repeat the above for (n−1) lawnmowers.

On the last mower, the mower won’t start — spits and sputters. This happens for all remaining customers. The salesman may even give it a try. Disgusted and concerned about the sale of his last mower, the salesman asks for a volunteer from the audience. Many hands will go up, but the salesman will select someone special like a Council Executive, Scoutmaster, Commissioner, or Camp Director. This person will come up and mimic what the others tried to do. Of course, the mower starts up immediately and moves off stage.

Salesman turns to audience: “I guess all it needed was a big jerk!”

All exit.

A line of submarine officers. Captain sights a ship in the periscope. Each order is passed down the line from the Captain to the Torpedo Operator, who always responds “I don’t know how.”

Captain: “Tanker bearing 259, Range 1 mile.” (passed down the line)

Torpedo Operator: (shrugs)

Captain: “Load main tube #1 and stand by to fire.” (passed down the line)

Torpedo Operator: “I don’t know how.”

Captain: “Fire!” (passed down the line)

Torpedo Operator: “I don’t know how…”

Message is returned up the line. The Captain screams: “Press the red button!” After the message finally gets to the Torpedo Operator and he follows it, it took too long so they miss the ship. This repeats for about three ships.

Finally the Captain feels disgraced and pulls out a knife and commits Seppuku. Each officer in turn follows the Captain’s example until the knife comes to the Torpedo Officer, who looks at the knife and says:

Torpedo Operator: “I don’t know how…”

First Scout asks “IS IT TIME YET?” — passed down the line. Last Scout says “NO.” Word is passed back. After a long pause, repeat. After another long pause, the Last Scout finally says “YES” and word is passed back. Just after the first Scout gets the answer, they all switch to right foot over left and left arm over right.

Exit groaning.

Scene begins with doctor sitting on one of the chairs.

Patient 1 enters twitching their left arm.

Doctor: “And what’s wrong with you sir?”

Patient 1: “As you can see doctor I have this terrible twitch.”

Doctor: “Just sit on my magic chair and you’ll get better.”

The patient sits and stops twitching, but the doctor’s left arm starts twitching. Patient 1 thanks the doctor and leaves.

Patient 2 enters with the hiccups. The process repeats — now the doctor has a twitch AND the hiccups.

Patient 3 enters with both legs flicking in the air. After sitting in the chair, the doctor now has a twitching arm, hiccups, and both legs flicking.

Patient 4 looks quite normal.

Doctor: “And what may I ask is wrong with you sir?”

Patient 4: “I’ve got a terrible case of the runs, doctor.”

The doctor runs off the stage holding his stomach.

1st Scout comes out and gets down on all fours, pretending to be a table.

2nd Scout comes out: “Ahh, a fly — I think I’ll pull its wings off.” Picks it up, plucks the wings, puts it back, and walks off.

3rd Scout comes out: “Oh, a fly with no wings — I think I’ll pull its legs off.” Proceeds as before and walks off.

4th Scout comes out: “Say, a fly with no wings and no legs — I think I’ll pull its head off.” Does so and walks off.

Last Scout comes out, carefully inspects the object without picking it up, then says very quickly: “A raisin!” and pops it in his mouth.

1st Scout walks to billy carrying his mug, dips it in, brings it to his lips: “THIS CAMP COFFEE IS GETTING WORSE!”

2nd Scout does the same: “THIS CAMP TEA IS GETTING WORSE!”

3rd Scout does the same: “THIS CAMP CHOCOLATE IS GETTING WORSE!”

4th Scout walks to billy, dips his hands in and takes out a pair of wet socks. As he wrings them out: “I THOUGHT THAT WOULD GET THEM CLEAN!”

Sarge and private are hiking. The private keeps whining for breaks (feet hurt, tired, needs to stop), and each time Sarge refuses until the private threatens to cry — then Sarge relents. The gags repeat for needing a rest, needing a “wee,” needing a drink, and finally food. Since it’s a day hike, there is no food. After more tears, Sarge finds a worm and will only let the private eat it if Sarge eats half. After Sarge eats his half, the private starts bawling again:

Private: “You ate my half!”

First Scout enters walking slowly. Second Scout enters wearing a hat in the opposite direction.

First Scout: “Hey, where did you get that cool hat?”

Second Scout: “J.C. Penney.” (exits)

Others enter carrying new articles of clothing (pants, shirt, shoes, etc.) — each says “J.C. Penney” when asked. Finally the last scout enters wearing just shorts.

First Scout: “Who do you think you are dressed like that?”

Last Scout: “I’m J.C. Penney!”

One person acts as a lamp post shining a flashlight on the ground. Another is groping around in the pool of light.

A third person enters: “What are you looking for?”

Scout One: “A quarter that I lost.” The newcomer joins in searching. More people enter and help.

Finally: “Where did you lose the quarter?”

Scout One: (pointing away) “Over there.”

“Then why are you looking here?”

Scout One: “Because the light is better over here!”

Pilot: “Well, are we anywhere near the airport, co-pilot?”

Co-Pilot: “I don’t know… I see lights over there to the port. That’s likely it. Bring ‘er around and have a look.”

They navigate using only a pocket compass, finally spotting what they think is the airport and going in for a hair-raising landing — full sound effects, panic, brakes, more brakes.

Both: (sighs of relief) “We’re down, we made it!”

Pilot: “Boy, that was a short runway!”

Co-Pilot: (looking right, then left) “Yep. And wide too!”

A small boy is sitting, crying. Passer-by #1 enters and suggests chanting “big red yummy lollipop” to find it. The boy chants, it doesn’t work, and he starts crying again. Passer-by #2 enters and gets the whole audience chanting together.

Passer-by #1: (re-enters) “Did it work?”

Boy: (loudly) “No, it didn’t! But I did find a whole lot of suckers!”

Scoutmaster teaches compass bearings, has scouts take a bearing on a distant tree, and wraps up the lesson with one final point:

Scoutmaster: “Never, never buy a TATES compass.”

Tom: “Scouter, why should we never buy a TATES compass?”

Scoutmaster: “You know the old saying: ‘He who has a TATES is lost!’”

Scouts arrive at the Gates of Heaven one at a time and must explain how they suffered on Earth. Eating camp food — not enough. Blisters from a long hike — not enough.

Scout 3: “I’m in [pick someone’s name who can take a joke]’s troop/pack.”

Angel: “Well, come on in!!”

Scout 1: (enters holding box) “Hi guys, would you please hold this box while I go into the store?” (exits)

Scouts 2, 3, and 4 wonder what’s in the box. Something is leaking out! They each taste the drip from the bottom — one guesses lemon soda, another guesses chicken soup.

Scout 1: (returns, looks in box, pulls out stuffed dog) “Oh, you naughty puppy!”

A lumberjack buys a chain saw guaranteed to cut twice as much wood. He returns tired the next day — it cut half as much. Owner puts a new chain on; lumberjack tries again. Returns even more exhausted — still no good. Owner checks the saw and pulls the starter cord.

The Announcer makes the sound effects of the saw running loudly.

Lumberjack: “Oh, my gosh! What on earth is all that noise?”

Two Scouts carry a long pole on stage, prop it up, and try various methods to estimate its height, arguing and getting increasingly exasperated. A Cub strolls on.

Cub: “Why don’t you just lay the pole on the ground and measure its length?”

Scout 1: (scornfully) “Cubs!”

Scout 2: “I’ll say. Didn’t you hear right? We want to know how tall the pole is — not how long it is.”

One person is lying on the ground, apparently dead. Another enters, sees him, runs for the telephone and dials 911.

Scout: (panicking) “Hello 911, there’s a dead person here… Where? Uh… I’m at Montgomery and Westchester… Spell it?! Uh, M-o-t-n… Uh, M-o-t-g…” (confused) “Just a minute — I’ll drag him over to King and Elm!”

First boy is squatting as though sitting on an invisible bench. Each new boy asks to join, is welcomed, and pretends to sit. Continue for as many boys as you want.

When the last boy comes along, he asks — then says: “But I moved it over there this morning!”

All seated boys fall down with a loud: “AAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

The Driver keeps having problems — front wheel, suspension, rear wheel — and recruits audience members one by one to be the missing parts. Once everyone is in position:

The cart starts up perfectly.

Driver: (braking to a halt) “Oh, that’s perfect now! All I needed was a few NUTS to get it going!”

Three scruffy defendants appear before the judge. Each has a bizarre obsession with throwing peanuts in various ways (against walls, out windows, into lakes). Each gets 30 days psychiatric treatment.

Finally the bailiff brings in the last, really scruffy, bloodied defendant.

Judge: “What’s your problem?”

Peanuts: “I’m Peanuts!” (passes out)

The Captain hears each pirate confess a camp rule they broke (running in the dining hall, pushing in line, not being quiet, talking after bedtime, not listening during badge work, playing with the campfire). Each gets: “Walk the plank!”

Then the Lifeguard comes out:

Lifeguard: “Okay guys, BUDDY UP AND NO TALKING!”

The Director keeps trying to film the perfect take for a Scout Beer commercial, interrupting constantly (“too fast,” “too slow,” whispering in the actor’s ear). The Cameraman keeps trying to interrupt the Director, who ignores him every time.

Director: “Cut! And Print! That was fantastic!”

Cameraman: “But sir! We don’t have any film!”

A death scene in a household is performed multiple times: once with no emotion, once with over-the-top histrionics, once in slow motion, once at breakneck speed. The Director hates every take.

Director: “Actors? Do you call yourselves actors?!”

Cast: “Actors? Who said anything about actors? We’re the cleaners!” (All pick up brooms and exit.)

Ma asks Pa to pass the peppa. Pa keeps guessing wrong — Black Peppa, Chili Peppa, Banana Peppa, Jalapeño Peppa, Red Peppa, Green Peppa — and each guess goes up and down the table.

Finally:

Ma: “Can’t you pass the toilet peppa, Pa?”

A volunteer is placed under a coat with one arm held up as a “periscope.” The storyteller guides them through an increasingly dramatic submarine mission — sighting enemy ships, storms, crashing waves.

Storyteller: “What a big storm! Can you see the waves? No?”

(Pours the water down the arm of the coat.)

The performer puts his trained flea Flora through her tricks, narrating and following every flip and jump with his eyes. He asks her to jump to the ceiling — loses her. Searches high and low. Finally finds a flea in someone’s hair.

Performer: (delighted) “Flora! There you are! I’m so glad to have you back.” (Looks more closely.) “But say… this isn’t Flora!”

Alternate ending: When Flora has done all her tricks, the performer starts to clap — then stops, horrified, realizing what he’s done.

The Party Warehouse: Get two victims to hold a broomstick as the counter. Customers ask for balloons, cakes, party favors, candies, hats — each time the warehouse person checks and reports nothing available. Finally:

Last Customer: “What do you have for parties?”

Manager: (slowly looks at each victim) “Well, I do have two suckers on a stick!”

The Statue Warehouse: A tour guide shows superhero statues that “come alive” when activated (Superman flies, Spiderman climbs, etc.). Finally they reach Aquaman. Guide can’t get him to activate. Asks a victim to try:

Aquaman spits a mouthful of water at the victim.

The Greatest Spitter demonstrates various trick spits (fastball, slow spit, high spit, round-the-world spit, curve spit). The Partner “catches” each one by secretly tapping the pot with a pebble.

For the finale — a “high, quadruple axle, curvy, spring jump spit” requiring absolute silence — the Partner follows it up, spins, curves, tries to track it, trips, and spills the water on the crowd.

The storyteller describes the peaceful sounds of nature — birds chirping, frogs croaking, the breeze through the forest. Each actor performs their sound from the woods.

Storyteller: “But the sound I love to hear the most when I go camping is the sound of the Lost Scoutmaster.”

(Heavy thumping of feet; calls out: “Where in the world am I?”)

Two friends call out to the tree climber, who is hidden in the woods. They ask how high he is — 100 feet, 200, 275, 325, 400 — each time he ruffles a bush or tree.

Friend 2: “Excuse me, sir, but I have a book here that says the highest tree in the world is only 360 feet high!”

Climber: “AHHHHHHHHH!!!!” (Thump!)

Version 1: A person waits in line day after day, becoming increasingly desperate, asking if his package has arrived. His legs cross, he’s fidgety, nervous. Finally it arrives and he tears it open to reveal toilet paper: “Thank you! Now I can go to the washroom!”

Version 2: The King demands his Royal Paper. Servants bring newspaper, writing paper, scratch paper — each wrong, each servant loses his head. Finally the last servant brings toilet paper and the King runs off to the washroom.

Two people talk on the phone using a rope as the line. Reception is terrible, so more and more “telephone poles” (audience volunteers) are recruited to hold up the rope until the line is clear.

Person 1: “Gee! The phones today. Anyway, I went fishing the other day.”

Person 2: “Oh? And how did you do? Any bites?”

Person 1: “Not good. But today I did get 7 jerks on the line!”

The manager stations a new guard to stop workers stealing. Three workmen each walk out carrying a draped box. The guard stops each one — they open the box to show it’s empty and the guard lets them through. After all three leave, the manager races in enraged.

Guard: “But the only people who went out were three men with boxes. I stopped them all and they all had nothing in them.”

Manager: “You fool! We make boxes!”

The guide recruits victims one at a time, briefing each on how to respond: “There’s a bear!” → “Where?” → (pointed out twice) → “Ahh, I see him — he’s over there!” Each new victim is added to the front of the line, extending the chain of pointing.

Finally:

Guide: “Guess what? He fell over!” (Pushes over all the victims.)

The nosebleed person looks down at the ground. Three pedestrians walk in one by one, each looking around then down, mumbling. The fourth walks in, looks up for a moment, then asks what everyone is doing.

Nosebleed: “I don’t know what these guys are doing — but I’ve got a nosebleed!”

Person: (phone rings, picks up) “Hello? Yes? You don’t say… You don’t say… You don’t say… You don’t say?… You don’t say!… You don’t say. Bye!”

Friend: “Say, who was on the phone?”

Person: “He didn’t say!”

Customers complain one at a time about a fly in their soup. Waiter has a quip for each:

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!” → “Shh! Everyone else will want one!”

“There’s a fly in my alphabet soup!” → “He’s learning to read!”

“What’s this fly doing in my soup?” → “The backstroke, sir!”

“There’s a fly in my soup!” → “Pass him a life preserver!”

“I just took a fly out of my soup — what should you do?” → “Give first aid!”

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my ice cream too!” → “No! I didn’t know they were into winter sports!”

Three workers come in late with exactly the same wild excuse (car broke down → bus → cab → borrowed horse → horse had heart attack → jogged). The boss becomes more exasperated each time. When the fourth worker finally arrives:

Boss: “No wait, let me guess…” (recites entire excuse perfectly)

#4: “No boss, you got it all wrong! The streets were so crowded with broken down cars, buses, cabs, trees, dead horses, and worst of all some crazy joggers that I couldn’t get through!”

The Buyer tries four bicycles — wrong size, too many gears, wrong color — and finally loves the mountain bike. But it collapses. The salesman recruits a victim from backstage to fix it.

Buyer: “What did your technician do?”

Salesman: “Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up!”

Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! I need your help.”

Doctor: (whacko) “Oh, good, come here and I’ll fix you up. Nurse, anaesthetize the patient!”

Patient: “But Doctor!”

Nurse hits him on the head with frying pan; he passes out. The Doctor messily “opens up” the patient and “finds” all sorts of ridiculous things inside. Every so often the patient wakes up and says “But Doctor!” and gets hit with the frying pan again. Finally, the doctor finishes and sews him up.

Doctor: (tapping patient’s shoulder) “Do you feel better now?”

Patient: “But Doctor! I just need to use your phone!!”

Grandma asks if a train is coming from the south. Grandpa hobbles to the station, checks the schedule, looks to the south, hobbles back: “No, Grandma.” Repeat for north, east, and west.

Grandma: “Good. We can cross the tracks now.”

Brother and sister named Shut Up and Trouble go walking in the woods. Trouble gets lost. Shut Up goes to the police station.

Police Officer: “Can I help you? What’s your name?”

Shut Up: “Shut Up, Sir.”

(Exchange repeats three times with increasing indignation from the officer.)

Police Officer: “Young man, are you looking for trouble?”

Shut Up: “Yes, sir — she’s lost! Do you know where she is?”

Two or three people crawl across the desert crying out for water. They ham it up desperately. Finally they spot the cup of water and stagger toward it — reach it — and take out combs to dip in the water and comb their hair.

A person crawls through the desert gasping for water. Three tie salesmen approach at intervals trying to sell him ties. He refuses indignantly each time. Finally he spots an oasis and rushes to buy water.

Maître d’: “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t enter this restaurant without a tie.”

Version 1: Three starving campers catch and eat a rabbit, then a squirrel, then a moose. Each time they offer some to #3, who refuses saying he’s waiting for a hot meal. After #1 and #2 get sick and throw up:

#3: “Wow! A hot meal!”

Version 2: Five people gorge at a restaurant and take a cab. The cabby drives like a madman — roller coaster ride — until they all throw up.

Cabby: “Wow! A five course meal!”

Four shoppers each buy one piece of the Cub uniform — shirt, accessories, pants, shoes. Each time, there is a struggle heard in the back (“No, you can’t have it!”). Finally the kid runs out in underwear.

Kid: “How am I supposed to go to Cubs without my uniform?”

Scouts run in one by one panicking about “The Infantry” — go to bomb shelters! Save yourselves! Let’s help them! Let’s watch the tanks!

Then a person strolls in carrying a small tree:

“And here it is — the Infant Tree.”

Cub #1 announces a “Keep America Beautiful Contest” with great prizes. The simplest method wins. Cub #6 announces confidently that he knows the easiest way — takes out a comb and combs his hair.

The others exchange looks, surround him, carry him to a large box marked TRASH, and dump him in.

Cub 1: “Like he said, fellahs — we’re a cinch to win! That’s the easiest way I know to keep America beautiful.” (They exit laughing while Cub 6 stands in the trash box with a disgusted look.)

A customer wants to buy a new brain. The shopkeeper offers the brain of Billy Crystal ($5,000), Captain Kirk ($5,000), and Ronald Reagan ($5,000). None quite fits.

Finally, the shopkeeper retrieves one from the basement — from a virtually unknown, unimportant local person — for $15,000. The customer loves it and asks why it’s so expensive.

Shopkeeper: “Well, it’s never been used!”

A customer buys one of only three turtles. It dies the same day. He returns; gets a free replacement. That one dies too. He gets the last turtle for free. That one dies as well — and it has scratches on its shell.

Shopkeeper: “Why? What were you doing with them?”

Customer: (sniffing) “Well, I was only trying to give my car a turtle wax!”

The Captain asks each crew member “What’s 2+2?” and gets wrong answers: “One, Sir!” / “Five, Sir!” / “Sheesh, why give me all the hard ones?” / “Two apples and two potatoes, Sir!” — all approved by the Captain.

The Floor Scrubber answers correctly: “Four, Sir!”

Captain: “Off with his head!” (cuts off head with sword)

Servant: “But sir — he got it right!”

Captain: “He’s too smart! He might go after my job some day!”

The Ghost goes around scaring each family member in turn: “I am the Ghost of Midnight!” Mom screams. Dad flees. Son cries for Mommy. Then the Ghost reaches the daughter:

Daughter: (looks at watch) “Aww, shutup! It’s only 11:45!”

Swasin is crying. Kid 1 goes to him, hears the problem whispered, and starts crying too. Kid 2 asks what’s wrong, hears it whispered, and cries. This spreads to Kids 3 and 4. Finally, the Campfire Chief comes around to collect skit names.

Chief: “What’s the problem?”

All: “We don’t have a skit!”

Doctor: “Mr. Thompson, congratulations — you’re the proud father of twins!”

Thompson: “What a coincidence — I come from Two Mountains!”

Doctor: “Mr. Smith, you now have triplets!”

Smith: “That’s quite astonishing — I come from Three Rivers!”

Third father faints. Doctor revives him.

Doctor: “Mr. Smart — what’s wrong? Your wife hasn’t even given birth yet!”

Smart: “I come from Thousand Islands!”

Each pedestrian bends over to pick up a coin, and the Ghost pops out: “I am the Ghost with one black eye!” — scaring each one away and reclaiming the coin. On the third pedestrian:

#3: “Keep it up, and you’ll get another!”

More and more passengers flee the bus — holding their noses — until only Stinky and the driver remain.

Driver: (sniffing) “Did you wash this morning?” / “Deodorant?” / “Clean shirt?” / “Clean underwear?” / “Change your socks?”

Stinky: “Sure! Here are the old ones!”

A boy has a screw instead of a belly button. He asks everyone in town why — each brushes him off with a different excuse. Finally the Priest sends him to God in prayer. A giant hand appears with a screwdriver, turns the screw — and the boy falls down.

God: “The screw is there to hold you together!”

Version 1: Shrimpy gets beaten around the ring until landing one weak punch that somehow knocks Little John out. The Announcer replays in slow motion — and we see a stagehand run up and crack a frying pan over Little John’s head during Shrimpy’s punch.

Version 2: The Announcer explains the rules by demonstrating every illegal move on Little John — groin kick, arm break, knee kick, frying pan to the head. “Understood? Good! Go!” One weak punch from Shrimpy knocks him out.

Two friends are walking and spot something suspicious on the ground.

John: “Hey Frank! Watch out! That may be doggie doo! Smell it to see if it smells like doggie doo!”

Frank: (smells it) “Yep!”

John: “Touch it to see if it feels like doggie doo!”

Frank: (touches it) “Yep!”

John: “Taste it to see if it tastes like doggie doo!”

Frank: (tastes it) “Yep! Tastes like doggie doo!”

John: “Well! It’s a good thing we didn’t walk in it!”

After ten years: Monk: “Bad food!”

After twenty years: Monk: “Uncomfortable bed!”

After thirty years: Monk: “I quit!”

Abbot: “I’m not surprised! You’ve been here for thirty years and all you’ve done is complain!”

The kid asks for five of the penny candies “way up at the top” — over and over, across several days. The exhausted storekeeper finally climbs up in advance, assuming he knows what the kid wants.

Storekeeper: “I bet you want five of those penny candies from way up top, right?”

Kid: “Nope! Not today!”

Storekeeper climbs back up to put them away, comes back down.

Storekeeper: “Now, sonny, what would you like today?”

Kid: “I would like three of those penny candies way up at the top!”

Two hunters repeatedly fail to catch the mysterious Medicrin — traps, calls, even a sick loon all fail. They consult a wise man.

Wise man: “You need a sweeter trap.”

The hunters interpret this as feeding their sick loon sugar. They do — and this time the Medicrin dives for the loon and is captured.

Narrator: “Which just proves that… A loonful of sugar helps the Medicrin go down!”

A person is jumping up and down on a manhole yelling “49! 49! 49!” A victim comes by and asks what’s happening.

Jumper: “It’s really fun! Wanna try?”

The victim takes his place and yells “49! 49! 49!” — whereupon the jumper pulls the manhole cover out and the victim falls into the sewer.

Jumper: “50! 50! 50!”

The Narrator introduces colorful figures from American history who have been slightly misremembered. Rip Van Winkle can’t sleep because the Cub Scouts are too noisy. A chef looks for the “Lost Italian Mine” (great pizza). The skit ends with references to “Wild Bill Hiccup — Hiccup…”

Cubs decide to have a backyard picnic. Each brings something — chips, hot dogs, buns, drinks. Cub #6 promises something special.

They all return carrying their sacks. Cub #6 drops his.

Cub #6: “Oh no! I brought the ants!!”

The Important Guy trains Aug to sell pencils, calling them “Pen-solls.” He teaches Aug to say the prices (“Two — Five — Ten!”) and the sales pitch: “If you don’t, somebody else will!”

Aug approaches a man on the street and shouts “PEN-SOLLS!!!” in his face.

Man: “You’re a real jerk! How many people have you done this to?”

Aug: “Two, Five, Ten!”

Man: “You’re asking for a punch in the mouth!”

Aug: “If you don’t… somebody else will!”

Man punches Aug, who falls flat.

Two scouts are asleep. Bikers ride over and beat up Scout #1 twice. Both times, Scout #2 tells him it was just a dream. The third time, Scout #2 offers to switch sleeping bags. The bikers return, go to the same bag, and one turns to the other:

Biker: “This guy’s had enough — let’s get the other one.”

The Announcer introduces the greatest pitcher of all time. Audience volunteers try to hit pitches — the ball is simulated by a flashlight moved along the sheet. Fastball: strike! Curveball: strike! Knuckleball, screwball — all outs.

Finally, a “special volunteer” is selected for the Pitcher’s dreaded Secret Pitch. The ball is thrown. The Announcer cries out: “Watch out! It’s a spitball!”

Too late — a bucket of water cascades over the sheet onto the Batter.

#1: The Hunchback of Notre Dame interviews a bell-ringer applicant. After a laborious trip up and down the tower stairs (circling the campfire), the applicant swings the bell but doesn’t step back — gets hit and falls 15 stories. The Gendarme asks the Hunchback if he knows the man.

Hunchback: “No, but his face sure rings a bell!”

#2: Same skit, next night. The applicant looks just like the guy who was there yesterday. “Oh, that was my twin brother.” Everything repeats — until the punchline:

Hunchback: “No, but he’s a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday!”

#3: Two players enter in rain slickers holding a blanket like a jumping net, jigging around the stage.

Gendarme: “What are you guys doing?”

Fireman: “The last two nights some guy jumped out of that bell tower — we came to catch him!”

The Spitter boasts about his ability; planted scouts in the back challenge him. The Catcher volunteers (acting as if he’ll be the victim). They spit at increasing distances — each time the Catcher catches with a solid thump.

Finally the Spitter claims he can spit all the way around the world. The audience yells he’s a fake. The planted Scouts say, “Show them!”

The Catcher turns — and throws the water into the crowd.

The team warms up by tossing invisible Bruce higher and higher. Each toss requires more scrambling to catch him. Finally, they attempt the world record toss:

“One! Two! Thu-reee!!!” He sails past the trees, way up — then the team loses track of him. “Oh well.” They leave the stage.

Later, in the middle of another skit or announcements: “Bruce! Quick team!” They run back, catch him. “Let’s have a big hand for Bruce!”

Patient A has an itch. Patient B enters with a hand twitch — B gradually catches the itch, and A starts twitching. Patient C enters with a leg twitch — all three soon have the itch, hand twitch, and leg twitch. Patient D enters bouncing and shaking every muscle. All four become increasingly frantic in their chairs.

Then a boy dressed as a pregnant lady strolls in — and the other four scramble for their lives.

The mosquitoes wander around the Cubs delivering bug jokes as the Cubs swat and slap throughout:

“Which sport do mosquitoes like best?” — “Skin diving.”

“What did the Cub Scout say to the mosquito?” — “Don’t bug me!”

“Are you related to any of the bugs around here?” — “Sure. My ant.”

Cubs spray insect repellent and the mosquitoes flee gagging. Then:

Cub #2: “Say, what has 18 feet, red eyes, and long claws?”

Cub #1: “I don’t know.”

Cub #2: “Neither do I, but it’s crawling up your neck!”

All boys run screaming from stage.

Reporter interviews athletes preparing for the Cub Olympics: discus throw, javelin polish, standing broad jump practice.

Reporter: “And what are you doing to train?”

Cub #4: “I’m brushing my teeth!” (demonstrates at basin)

Reporter: “What Olympic event could you possibly be training for?”

Cub #4: “The International Olympic Cookie-Eating event!” (pulls out cookies and stuffs his mouth)

Den Leader announces new Cub Scout socks have arrived.

Cub #1 needs four pair — for Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.

Cub #2 needs seven pair — one for each day of the week.

Cub #3 needs 12 pairs.

Den Leader: “Why do you need 12 pair?”

Cub #3: “Well, there’s January, February, March, April…”

Cubs discuss how Mrs. Brown is having a bad time after Cub #3 gave her a garter snake. Cub #5 says he’ll fix everything — women love flowers. He holds up a beautiful bouquet.

Cub #6: “Oh no… we’ll never get to go on another hike!”

Cub #5: “How come?”

Cub #6: “Cause… that’s poison ivy!!”

A reporter who has never had a scoop in 12 years stands on a bridge about to jump. One by one, others join him — a truck driver with hemorrhoids, a teacher who hates whiney kids, a florist with hay fever, a dentist with five-year hiccups (whose hands jerk uncontrollably).

“One! Two! Three!!!” — They all jump. Except the reporter.

Reporter: “Four people jump to their grisly deaths! What a scoop!” (Runs offstage scribbling furiously.)

Cub Scouts walk out across the water to the boat without trouble while the Den Chief keeps trying and failing, repeatedly falling in. Finally all boys are in the boat and only the Den Chief remains on shore.

Cub Scout: “Should we tell him where the rocks are?”

The Ringmaster introduces fleas one by one for increasingly elaborate acts (tightrope, high dive, weightlifting, bareback riding, trapeze). Each act ends in disaster — a flea is swallowed, clapped to death, crushed by a rock, ridden offstage, or missed on the trapeze and stepped on. Finally:

Boy: “We have one more act — a man-eating flea! [Opens box.] Oops, he got away!”

The Ringmaster scratches frantically and runs off into the audience while the boys chase him yelling: “Bring back our flea!”

The Fortune Teller predicts futures by touching objects: pencil → future writer; comb → hairdresser; dollar → banker. For the Scapegoat, the Announcer rejects every object offered until suggesting the Scapegoat try his shoe. The Fortune Teller performs her mumbo-jumbo (making faces, holding her nose).

Fortune Teller: “You will take a long walk in the woods!” (She throws the shoe far into the woods.)

A person finds a four-leaf clover and expects good luck — but everything goes wrong: a stranger collision, a false accusation, jail, garbage dumped on him, fined for littering. He throws the clover away. Another person finds it and immediately wins a million dollars. The former lucky man slumps down, groans, and begins to cry.

The narrator assigns roles and narrates through the four seasons — spring (leaves come out, birds flit), summer (leaves open, birds flock), fall (leaves drop, birds fly south), winter (brook freezes, all goes still).

Narrator: “But beneath it all there is still life. Look! The sap is still running!”

The performer puts Fred through jumping jacks, somersaults, and a high jump. For the long jump, a volunteer is needed to catch Fred — Fred jumps into their hair. The performer searches through the volunteer’s hair:

“Here we are… no, that’s not Fred.” (tosses flea over shoulder) “That’s not Fred.” “That’s not Fred either.” “Boy, there’s a lot of fleas in here.” “Fred? Fred?”

Customers request clothing one piece at a time — hat, jacket, shirt, shoes, socks, pants. Each time, a hand reaches through the curtain with the item after increasing sounds of grumbling. The last customer asks in embarrassed tones for underwear. The Storekeeper shouts through the curtain, getting no response. He stomps off behind the curtain.

Curtain shakes. “No, Pa! No, Pa! No!” The Son runs across the stage in only underpants.

A Scout stumbles, falls, and gets his forehead “stuck” to the floor. He struggles noisily — rotating with his forehead as the pivot — calling for help. Several Scouts walk past without helping. Finally a rescuer rushes up, heaves the victim to his feet. The victim is effusively grateful.

The rescuer looks at the victim’s face, reaches out, plucks something from his forehead, and pops it in his mouth: “Thanks — I knew I’d lost my gum somewhere around here!”

The contractor helps a couple choose wall colors for each room. After each decision, he goes to the window, opens it, leans out and shouts “Green side up!” The couple exchanges baffled looks. This repeats for three rooms.

Husband: “Mr. [Name], why do you keep yelling ‘Green Side Up!’? We didn’t order any green wallpaper!”

Contractor: “Oh, I’m sorry folks. The Boy Scout troop is being led by the Scoutmaster and we just want to make sure the sod gets laid down right.”

The little scout at one end climbs over all the sleeping scouts — who try to stay asleep — and shakes the patrol leader: “Hey! Hey! I gotta go wee!” The patrol leader tells him to go back to sleep. This repeats twice more.

Patrol Leader: “OK! OK! If you’ve gotta go, then go!”

The little scout stands up and waves his hands in the air: “Weee!!!!”

The salesman shows a customer around the store, with particular attention to the coffee table — beautiful, sturdy, mar-proof. He places a cup between the coffee table’s shoulder blades to demonstrate its stability. The customer says he’ll think about it and leaves. The salesman dismisses the other furniture and also leaves.

The coffee table (a real person on all fours) is left alone, trying to figure out how to get up without spilling what he thinks is a full cup of water.

A radio announcement warns about the Land Shark, who knocks on doors in disguise. Scout 1 opens the door for a “pizza delivery” and is devoured. Scout 2 opens for “Metropolitan Life” — devoured. Scout 3 sees through the disguises (“pizza delivery,” “candygram,” “plumber”) but opens the door for an “innocent guppy” — devoured.

Scout 4 (old and sharp) hears: “Boy Scout Troop 144, would you like to buy some fertilizer?” He winks at the audience, grabs a large stick, and says “Come in.” He swings the stick offstage — there is a loud thump. A very young Scout in full uniform stumbles on and falls face first.

A Scout interrupts the MC with a “long distance telephone call.” He gives the MC one end of the tubing and explains: when he says “Ring-Ring,” hold it to your ear and say “Let me have it.” They rehearse multiple times, getting the audience to chant “Let me have it!” The Scout stretches the tube to its limit, turns his back, bends over, and holds the tube over his shoulder.

Scout: “Ring-Ring.”

MC: “Wait, what am I supposed to say?”

Scout: (losing temper) “LET ME HAVE IT!”

The MC lets go. Scout takes the snap.

Scott and Robin compare letters from their families. Each item is a perfectly delivered deadpan absurdity:

“My Mom writes this slowly because she knows I can’t read fast.” / “I won’t know the house when I come home — they’ve moved!” / “My Dad has a new job with 500 men under him — he’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.” / “Our neighbors started keeping pigs. Mom got wind of it this morning.” / “My little brother cried because he had no new clothes, so Mom got him a new hat and lets him stand in the window.” / “The washing machine put four shirts in and they disappeared.” / “Mom had her appendix out and a dishwasher put in.” / “My sister had a baby — Mom doesn’t know if I’m an aunt or an uncle because she doesn’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.” / “I was going to send you $10, but I’d already sealed the envelope.”

Robin: “It’s nice to know things are normal at home.”

The Buyer test-rides each motorcycle. The Smith is too slow. The Yablonski is terrifyingly fast. The Jones — just right in theory — won’t start. After several attempts:

Dealer: (yelling offstage) “Joe! I told you to put gas in the Jones!”

Joe: “Sorry Boss! I’ll do it right now!” (Enters and pours water onto the rear end of the Jones.)

A door-to-door salesman sells musical toilet seats. Customer 1 wants one that plays Dixie; Customer 2 wants “Eat the Rich”; Customer 3 wants the Star-Spangled Banner. All are sold seats.

The next day the salesman returns for feedback. Customers 1 and 2 are delighted. Customer 3 was not happy.

Salesman: “We’ve never had an unsatisfied customer — what went wrong?”

Customer 3: “That music! Every time I sit down on the toilet it starts playing the Star-Spangled Banner and I have to stand up again!”

Director: “Pleses, pleses, everybody. Now do we haave thees down? Aaalrright — aand aaction.”

Outlaw: “Say there pardner, got a match?” / Pardner: “Yep.” / Outlaw: “Can I have it?” / Pardner: “Nope.” / Outlaw: “I’m gonna take it — what are YOU gonna do about it?” / Pardner: “I’ma gonna shootcha.” (fires) / Outlaw: (falls) / Son: “Daddy, daddy!” / Wife: “OH! MY POOR HUSBAND!”

Director: “Cuuuuuuuuuuut! That was terrible — let’s do it again, do eet slowwwwer / faaster / like an opra!”

Repeat the scene slower, then really fast, then opera-style. Add your own episodes.

King: “I am the King. Bring me my raisins!”

First Squire brings California hill raisins — rejected. Second brings French vineyard raisins — rejected. Third brings raisins hand-picked by Benedictine Monks — “The worst yet!”

King: “Bring me my royal raisin supplier!”

Two guards drag him in.

King: “Why have you not brought me my raisins?”

Royal Raisin Supplier: “My rabbit died!”

A Scout has no weapons. The Wizard gives him an invisible sword (“Stabety Stab!”) — he kills all the enemies. More come; the Wizard gives him an invisible gun (“Bangety Bang!”) — defeats them again. More still; the Wizard gives him a magic laser (“Zapety Zap!”). The Wizard quietly disappears.

A single enemy soldier enters — the biggest Scout in camp. He ignores “Stabety Stab!” “Bangety Bang!” and “Zapety Zap!” and closes in.

He knocks the Scout down and runs over him, yelling: “Tankety Tank! Tankety Tank!”

The man leads his donkey around the campfire in circles, repeating the same exchange about five times:

Donkey: (raspy voice) “Water! Water!”

Man: “Patience, jackass, patience.”

Finally, the planted audience member yells: “Hey, when are you going to get to the punch line?!”

Man: “Patience, jackass, patience!!”

The Weather Man presents an evening news parody. As he announces each weather event, it attacks him from offstage — wind blows his papers, confetti snow falls, packing-foam hail pelts him. He becomes increasingly panicked with each forecast.

Finally he refuses to read the last forecast and asks for a brave volunteer. The Scapegoat is pushed forward and reads: “And tomorrow this area will have heavy rains.”

Instantly — a bucket of water from offstage.

During inspection, the last boy in line sneezes. The Sergeant demands to know who sneezed. He asks each boy in turn — each has a different excuse — and “shoots” each one. (“I didn’t sneeze.” / “Not since I was 10 years old.” / etc.) He works his way down the line.

The last boy, visibly terrified, admits it was him and pleads not to be shot.

Sergeant: “I’m not going to shoot you! I just wanted to say — GESUNDHEIT!”